How to Deal with the Musician in Your Life

So you’ve got a musician on your hands. And it’s not so bad… he’s always toting his guitar to backyard barbeques and beach bonfires; he’s always in the mood to party; he tells cool stories, like that time his band opened for that one band who’s actually kinda famous now (and how they were huge jerks). He’s actually pretty fun to be around.

But sometimes it gets to be a little much. He’s always making noise—sit still, dude!— he’s always wasted (or hungover), and he won’t stop telling that same story about that time he played with that one band who’s not really that big of a deal.
As someone who was mesmerized by music from the time I first grasped the concept of sound, I myself couldn’t help picking up instruments and, after several petty dabblings, set up camp with a cheap acoustic guitar I bought on QVC (thanks, Esteban!) in my early teenage years.

Since then, I’ve not only upgraded my gear (thankfully), but have picked up a little wisdom on interactions between us musicians and, well… normal people. Here’s a handy guide on how to deal with any musician you might have in your life.

Your significant other. Let’s face it: musicians are sexy. There’s a mystique unmatched by any other breed of human. So it’s no surprise you were attracted to your musician. And kudos! We’re not always easy to land—commitment tends to freak us out. And rightfully so; many of us bounce from one city to the next night after night—whether to play our own shows, or follow whatever band we’re obsessed with at the moment—and it can be difficult to… er… keep track of us.
But relax: musicians are among the most passionate people in the world, which means that when we love you, we really love you. Hell, we’re swarmed with fans after our shows (at least in our own minds) and we still go home to you at night. But the thing you have to understand is that we are at our most sublime with our arms wrapped around our favorite six-string. And even if you’re feeling “second fiddle” (pun intended) hopefully, it will all be worth it when you hear those words you’ve been dying to hear, the reason you put up with us in the first place: “I wrote this song for you.”

Your employee. Congratulations! You’ve moved up in the corporate world and you’re looking to fill that entry-level position. Odds are, you’ve got broke musicians lined up around the block, desperate for a steady paycheck.
After what seems like a million interviews with a billion red flags (“Uhhh, do you guys drug test?”) you’ve found a soft-spoken gal who plays banjo in a bluegrass band and loves Phish. What a sweetie!
You’ll be pleased and surprised to know that musicians are highly employable! Playing in a band requires an unbelievable amount of dedication, perseverance, and hard work. It is truly the epitome of teamwork: long nights of band practice mean that we’re experts in the art of trial-and-error, and masters of the everlasting problem of compromise. We’re well-versed in patience, communication, and time management (hey—being in a band really is another job!).
The bottom line: once you weed out the scumbags, getting a musician to work for you is one of the smartest business decisions that you’re going to make this year (yes—this is likely temporary. As aforementioned, we’re not big on commitment.)

Your roommate. Oh, now you’ve done it. You moved in with a musician. It was super at first! He was throwing the best parties, bringing home some really nice ladies (and their friends) and you totally dug it.
But it’s been awhile and it’s gotten old. He’s always sloppily “shredding” in the next room when you’re trying to enjoy your Dexter (Gilmore Girls) marathons. He’s always coming and going through the house at all hours, banging his way up the stairs with armfuls of gear, and, instead of ladies all the time, he’s bringing home increasingly shady jam-mates and you just generally have no idea what his deal is.
But, you have to admit: he’s really kinda nice. He knows when he’s doing you wrong and always makes up for it somehow: he gets you into shows—usually his shows, where you’re cool by association (and isn’t it fun when you’re one of the five people who knows the words to his band’s songs?). He knows every bartender in town (“Did I order a double? Oh wait…”) and has more friends than you dare to try to remember. And there were the parties… and the ladies… and their friends. And even if you had to “f’in work in the morning, bro!”…you know you had fun last night.
The main thing to remember about your musician roommate is even when it seems like he’s being shady… he’s just oblivious.

The bottom line: we’re not normal, and we certainly take some getting used to. But on behalf of musicians everywhere, to the people who put up with us: thanks. You are the reason for our music, and we love you for it.